How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 21
General Information Subtitles 1 00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:16,871 Kids, life is a dark road. 2 00:00:16,872 --> 00:00:18,864 You never really know what's up ahead. 3 00:00:18,875 --> 00:00:21,602 One night you're cruising along enjoying the ride, 4 00:00:21,603 --> 00:00:23,302 and then all of a sudden, 5 00:00:24,088 --> 00:00:25,470 you're 28. 6 00:00:25,474 --> 00:00:27,788 And for the birthday boy, lasagna. 7 00:00:27,789 --> 00:00:28,736 Thank you. 8 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:30,860 Careful. The plate is very hot. 9 00:00:30,861 --> 00:00:31,984 'Kay. 10 00:00:32,893 --> 00:00:34,736 Oh, go on, touch it. 11 00:00:35,290 --> 00:00:38,362 Ah! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate. 12 00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:41,693 All right, so, Barney, are you doing this or what? 13 00:00:41,693 --> 00:00:43,027 Oh, geez, Barney, don't do this. 14 00:00:43,032 --> 00:00:45,252 I have to, it's my birthday present to Ted. 15 00:00:45,252 --> 00:00:47,493 You don't have to. Please, it's going to be embarrassing 16 00:00:47,493 --> 00:00:49,951 and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck... 17 00:00:49,951 --> 00:00:52,295 in addition to probably being kind of healthy. 18 00:00:52,901 --> 00:00:57,075 Come on, Marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. 19 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,228 Barney. 20 00:00:58,603 --> 00:01:00,707 Oy, gevalt. 21 00:01:01,642 --> 00:01:04,578 - Ah... Happy birthday, Ted. - Whoo-hoo! 22 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,758 Uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... 23 00:01:08,782 --> 00:01:10,035 Oh, my God. 24 00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:11,172 What? 25 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:13,090 Oh! Call an ambulance! 26 00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:14,883 - What's going on? - Try not to speak. 27 00:01:14,883 --> 00:01:17,098 Here, sit down. Just don't talk, don't talk. 28 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:19,552 - Is she okay? - I'm serious, call 911. 29 00:01:19,552 --> 00:01:20,841 What's wrong? What's the matter? 30 00:01:20,841 --> 00:01:23,680 Shh! Shh! Just don't move. Don't move. Just try... 31 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:25,848 Here, have some water. Water! 32 00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:27,991 Here, drink this. 33 00:01:27,991 --> 00:01:29,705 Shh! Shh! 34 00:01:30,212 --> 00:01:32,823 You know, the more I watch this, the less convinced I am 35 00:01:32,823 --> 00:01:35,130 that it's the greatest pickup line of all time. 36 00:01:35,130 --> 00:01:36,945 Wait for it. 37 00:01:37,043 --> 00:01:41,088 28. Two more 'til the big one, three-oh. 38 00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:44,288 Actually, my 30th birthday wasn't so bad. 39 00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:47,622 Well, except for the goat in my bathroom. Which is a great story. 40 00:01:47,622 --> 00:01:49,282 But I'll get to that later. 41 00:01:49,282 --> 00:01:53,352 Still, you know, another year older. Still single. 42 00:01:53,352 --> 00:01:56,092 You don't hear your Tedological clock ticking? 43 00:01:56,092 --> 00:01:58,967 Nope. I hit the snooze button. 44 00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,130 And here come the paramedics. 45 00:02:01,130 --> 00:02:02,892 Oh, thank God, you're here. 46 00:02:02,892 --> 00:02:04,073 What is going on?! 47 00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,661 I think there might be some internal bleeding. 48 00:02:05,661 --> 00:02:08,223 Probably some fractures. We got to get her to the hospital. 49 00:02:08,223 --> 00:02:09,360 What are you talking about? 50 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,773 - You've had a terrible fall. - No, I haven't. 51 00:02:11,773 --> 00:02:14,861 Really? 'Cause I could swear you fell straight out of heaven. 52 00:02:14,861 --> 00:02:16,225 Angel... 53 00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:21,428 Give him your number. What? 54 00:02:21,481 --> 00:02:23,910 Give him your number. What? 55 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,710 - Give him your number. - Come on, guys, you're embarrassing me. 56 00:02:26,710 --> 00:02:30,407 - Give him your number. - What are you...? Come on. 57 00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,496 They're not going to stop 'til you give me your number. 58 00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:36,757 - All right! - It works! 59 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,162 I cannot believe that she gave him her number. 60 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,585 Maybe she really does have a brain injury. 61 00:02:45,611 --> 00:02:47,932 Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone. It's been fun. 62 00:02:47,932 --> 00:02:50,860 It's Wendy the waitress. Tip her well. Thanks a lot, guys. 63 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:53,975 Troilus and Cressida. Neighborhood Playhouse. Check them out, they're good. 64 00:02:55,903 --> 00:02:59,413 I realize why I'm still single. I'm picky. I'm not going to settle. 65 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:01,603 If I'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect. 66 00:03:01,603 --> 00:03:02,831 Well, what's perfect? 67 00:03:02,831 --> 00:03:04,921 - It's not like I have a list. - Oh, yes, you do. 68 00:03:04,921 --> 00:03:08,283 Attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids-- a boy and a girl... 69 00:03:08,283 --> 00:03:10,022 - That's not hard. I know at least... - I'm not done. 70 00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:13,283 She likes dogs, Otis Redding, does the crossword. 71 00:03:13,283 --> 00:03:16,753 She's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. 72 00:03:16,753 --> 00:03:20,081 That weirds me out. And she plays bass guitar like Kim Deal from the Pixies. 73 00:03:20,081 --> 00:03:21,788 Or Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth. 74 00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:23,843 Any Kim from any cool band, really. 75 00:03:23,843 --> 00:03:25,025 Can't be too picky. 76 00:03:25,033 --> 00:03:26,790 You're never going to find this girl. 77 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,552 Exactly. So I'm just going to wait for her to come to me. 78 00:03:29,552 --> 00:03:32,011 I am done trying to plan the unplannable. 79 00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:34,830 So, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it? 80 00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:36,468 That's the plan. 81 00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:41,591 And little did I know, at that very moment, fate-- 82 00:03:41,591 --> 00:03:45,702 in the form of a 600 gigahertz superprocessing computer-- 83 00:03:45,702 --> 00:03:47,546 was taking care of it. 84 00:03:52,391 --> 00:03:53,960 Whoa, you're up early. 85 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,173 Yeah, thought I'd whip up some pancakes. 86 00:03:56,173 --> 00:03:57,140 Does Marshall know? 87 00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:59,038 He's still sound asleep. 88 00:04:05,263 --> 00:04:06,768 Awesome. 89 00:04:06,991 --> 00:04:08,953 So awesome. 90 00:04:08,953 --> 00:04:11,240 God! Best girl ever. 91 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,991 Screw these pancakes, I should cover you in syrup and gobble you up. 92 00:04:14,991 --> 00:04:16,556 Please don't do that. 93 00:04:17,931 --> 00:04:19,696 Hey, is this milk any good? 94 00:04:23,082 --> 00:04:25,593 Oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday. 95 00:04:25,593 --> 00:04:27,605 God, why didn't you throw it away? 96 00:04:28,722 --> 00:04:31,447 I'm going shopping after work. I'll pick up some milk. 97 00:04:31,890 --> 00:04:35,937 Oh...! These pancakes are delightful. 98 00:04:38,491 --> 00:04:40,228 What's wrong, baby? 99 00:04:41,492 --> 00:04:43,541 This is the high point of my day. 100 00:04:43,541 --> 00:04:44,643 It was true. 101 00:04:44,643 --> 00:04:48,496 See, Marshall had always dreamed of using his law degree to protect the environment. 102 00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:49,980 But he needed money for the wedding, 103 00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:52,785 so he'd been interning for two months at Barney's firm... 104 00:04:52,791 --> 00:04:54,973 and he hated every minute of it. 105 00:04:54,973 --> 00:04:58,453 Hey, Barney, I had some questions about filling out these requisition forms. 106 00:04:58,453 --> 00:05:00,698 Binoculars. Second pair on my desk. 107 00:05:00,732 --> 00:05:04,021 I don't have time to be creepy, dude. I have a lot of work to do. 108 00:05:04,021 --> 00:05:05,885 Just take a look, will ya? 109 00:05:08,491 --> 00:05:10,996 Okay, corner office. Top floor. 110 00:05:11,610 --> 00:05:13,325 Check out that guy. 111 00:05:13,543 --> 00:05:15,373 Name's Clark Butterfield. 112 00:05:15,373 --> 00:05:17,822 He works over at Nicholson, Hewitt and West 113 00:05:17,822 --> 00:05:21,080 and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs. 114 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,345 So? 115 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:25,333 So guess what I did to that sandwich? 116 00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:26,775 Here, I took a picture. 117 00:05:29,902 --> 00:05:32,287 Oh! Sweet Lord. 118 00:05:32,382 --> 00:05:35,678 And now I'm e-mailing said picture to him. 119 00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:48,965 Ooh! Duck! 120 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:50,967 That is sick! 121 00:05:53,761 --> 00:05:55,260 Why would you do that? 122 00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:58,913 Who knows? This feud goes so far back I can't remember who fired the first shot. 123 00:05:58,913 --> 00:06:00,856 - You? - Totally. 124 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:07,068 Well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great. 125 00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:08,691 What? 126 00:06:08,691 --> 00:06:12,473 Butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. That's been his pattern. 127 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,330 This is war, Eriksen. I need you to clear your schedule, 128 00:06:15,330 --> 00:06:17,330 call Lily, tell her you'll be home late. 129 00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:18,700 This is stupid. 130 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:23,022 Stu... Come on, man, I didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills. 131 00:06:23,022 --> 00:06:26,965 I recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant. 132 00:06:27,171 --> 00:06:29,081 This is a job for me, Barney. 133 00:06:29,081 --> 00:06:31,061 It's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it. 134 00:06:31,061 --> 00:06:33,506 Now I'm sorry, but I have work to do. 135 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:38,616 Tracy, could you come in here, please? 136 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,585 Would you please inform Mr. Eriksen that I'm no longer speaking to him. 137 00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,540 Mr. Eriksen, Mr. Stinson is no longer... 138 00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:50,165 I get it. Thank you, Tracy. 139 00:06:56,371 --> 00:06:57,180 Hello? 140 00:06:57,180 --> 00:07:01,381 Hello. May I speak with a Mr. Ted Mosby? 141 00:07:01,381 --> 00:07:02,283 Speaking. 142 00:07:02,283 --> 00:07:06,782 Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir? Bob Rorschach over here at Love Solutions. 143 00:07:06,782 --> 00:07:09,110 You signed up for our services about six months ago. 144 00:07:09,110 --> 00:07:12,130 Uh, yeah. You guys never found me a match. 145 00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:15,573 Right. Well... actually, that's why I'm calling. 146 00:07:15,573 --> 00:07:17,161 We found her, sir. 147 00:07:17,161 --> 00:07:19,255 We found your soul mate. 148 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,948 I don't understand. What happened to Ellen Pierce? Doesn't she run this place? 149 00:07:24,952 --> 00:07:27,643 Well, my firm bought out the company. 150 00:07:27,643 --> 00:07:30,192 You know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate, 151 00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:34,851 but the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so... 152 00:07:34,851 --> 00:07:36,407 here I am. 153 00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:38,468 So I'm in good hands. 154 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,252 You found me a match? 155 00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:44,451 There she is. Your soul mate. That'll be 500 bucks. 156 00:07:44,451 --> 00:07:47,753 No way. The last time I did this, the girl turned out to be engaged. 157 00:07:47,753 --> 00:07:50,690 She's not engaged. She's your soul mate. 158 00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:52,447 Just read the file. 159 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:59,913 So I read the file. And by God, this woman was perfect. 160 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,331 She liked dogs, she spent her summers in North Carolina, 161 00:08:03,331 --> 00:08:06,103 she played bass guitar, she did the Times crossword, 162 00:08:06,103 --> 00:08:09,100 she played tennis, she liked old movies, her favorite food was lasagna, 163 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:12,470 her favorite book was Love in the Time of Cholera, her favorite singer was Otis Redding 164 00:08:12,470 --> 00:08:15,876 and she wanted two kids-- a boy and a girl. 165 00:08:16,922 --> 00:08:19,725 All right, fine. Set it up. 166 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,630 You wanted to see me, so I guess that means we're talking again? 167 00:08:23,630 --> 00:08:26,806 Will you taste this latte for me? I think they gave me decaf. 168 00:08:31,453 --> 00:08:32,802 Tastes normal to me. 169 00:08:32,802 --> 00:08:34,222 That's what I thought, too. 170 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,140 Then I got this e-mail from Butterfield. 171 00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:37,505 Oh, God! 172 00:08:38,272 --> 00:08:39,948 It got me as well. 173 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:42,400 Well, then why did you have me drink it?! 174 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:46,048 Because now... you're in. 175 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,926 Okay. 176 00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:51,926 Don't think I'm overlooking the obvious fact that I should just be mad at you. 177 00:08:52,041 --> 00:08:56,827 But Executive Mischief Consultant Marshall Eriksen reporting for duty. 178 00:08:57,193 --> 00:08:59,798 Let's make that bastard pay. 179 00:08:59,911 --> 00:09:01,583 You think that we should brush our teeth first? 180 00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,195 Yeah, it's probably a good idea. 181 00:09:04,362 --> 00:09:07,680 So that night I had a blind date with my perfect match. 182 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,760 I was so excited, I got there early. 183 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,795 But before it even started... 184 00:09:14,712 --> 00:09:15,582 Lily? 185 00:09:15,582 --> 00:09:17,393 Hey, Ted, are you busy? 186 00:09:17,393 --> 00:09:19,648 Um... yes. 187 00:09:19,813 --> 00:09:22,113 Oh, right. Soul mate. Forgot. 188 00:09:22,113 --> 00:09:26,772 Listen, could you take a cab out to Duchess County and change a flat on Marshall's Fiero? 189 00:09:26,772 --> 00:09:29,520 What? What? No. 190 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:31,271 Can't you just call Marshall? 191 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,431 Marshall can't know about this. 192 00:09:33,431 --> 00:09:36,730 Look, Ted, it's dark, I don't know how to change a tire, 193 00:09:36,730 --> 00:09:40,975 and I've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story. 194 00:09:40,982 --> 00:09:43,371 - Can you please hurry? - I can't, I'm waiting... 195 00:09:43,371 --> 00:09:46,922 Oh, my God, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand? 196 00:09:46,922 --> 00:09:49,032 No, drifter, no! 197 00:09:49,032 --> 00:09:50,261 Come on, Lily. 198 00:09:50,261 --> 00:09:52,177 But you see my point. 199 00:09:53,122 --> 00:09:56,278 All right, stay there. I'm on my way. 200 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:06,545 And so, one $90 cab ride later, I was in the middle of nowhere. 201 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,573 Oh, thank God. 202 00:10:09,573 --> 00:10:12,340 I'm so sorry about this. Did you get ahold of your date? 203 00:10:12,340 --> 00:10:13,020 Y es. 204 00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:15,235 And was she okay about pushing it back? 205 00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:18,062 Yes. Because she's perfect. So what am I doing here? 206 00:10:18,062 --> 00:10:20,296 - You can never tell Marshall. - I won't. 207 00:10:20,301 --> 00:10:24,340 Ever. Swear. Swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl. 208 00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,408 I swear on Luke and Leia. 209 00:10:27,790 --> 00:10:31,626 About a month ago, I started getting insomnia. 210 00:10:31,843 --> 00:10:35,560 Marrying Marshall had been all I wanted for a long time. 211 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:39,620 But, now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary. 212 00:10:39,620 --> 00:10:41,422 Did you talk to Marshall about it? 213 00:10:41,422 --> 00:10:45,787 He wouldn't have understood. He's not exactly nervous about tying the knot. 214 00:10:49,630 --> 00:10:52,983 So I spent my nights reading, painting, 215 00:10:52,983 --> 00:10:55,292 setting the high score on Super Bomber Man... 216 00:10:55,292 --> 00:10:56,812 That was you? Awesome! 217 00:10:56,812 --> 00:10:59,493 I know! I just got in the zone and... 218 00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,295 Not the point of the story. 219 00:11:01,342 --> 00:11:05,910 And then I started thinking about Victoria and how she followed her dream to Germany, 220 00:11:05,910 --> 00:11:07,911 and I found that art fellowship. 221 00:11:07,911 --> 00:11:10,565 Let me guess. It's somewhere far away. 222 00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:12,555 San Francisco. 223 00:11:12,950 --> 00:11:15,761 But it's not like I'm going to do it. 224 00:11:15,761 --> 00:11:18,058 The dates conflict with the wedding. 225 00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:24,205 But I love painting, and I've always wondered if I'm any good. 226 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,412 This was a way to find out. 227 00:11:26,412 --> 00:11:28,088 And the interview is tonight. 228 00:11:28,092 --> 00:11:29,688 In New Haven. 229 00:11:34,982 --> 00:11:36,796 You don't want to get married. 230 00:11:36,891 --> 00:11:39,365 Of course I want to get married. 231 00:11:39,371 --> 00:11:42,950 I... It's not like I was ever going to do it. 232 00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:47,206 I just... I just really wanted to see if I could get this. 233 00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:51,473 Lily, we live in the center of art and culture in America. 234 00:11:51,473 --> 00:11:53,981 I'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective. 235 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:58,212 But you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell Marshall. 236 00:11:58,212 --> 00:12:00,777 I think it's pretty clear what that means. 237 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:07,156 Okay, I was... I was having second thoughts. 238 00:12:07,881 --> 00:12:10,300 But I'm not any more. 239 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:15,480 I... I mean, this flat tire was a sign. I'm not supposed to do this. 240 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:19,086 I'm supposed to go home and-and be with Marshall. 241 00:12:20,543 --> 00:12:23,965 - You must think I'm so stupid. - I don't think you're stupid. 242 00:12:24,431 --> 00:12:27,625 - I love Marshall. - I know you do. Come here. 243 00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:33,456 It's okay. Look... 244 00:12:33,651 --> 00:12:36,820 Marriage is big. You're allowed to freak out. 245 00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,020 But why am I the only one? 246 00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:41,790 How come Marshall isn't doing anything crazy? 247 00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:46,018 So all we need is one large shipping box and 100 white mice. 248 00:12:48,812 --> 00:12:50,055 All done. 249 00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:55,293 Ted, let's go to New Haven. 250 00:12:55,293 --> 00:12:58,053 Lily, don't do this to yourself. 251 00:12:58,053 --> 00:13:00,370 I just need to know if I can get in. 252 00:13:00,370 --> 00:13:03,412 If I do this interview, and get into the program, then I'll know, 253 00:13:03,412 --> 00:13:05,742 and I can forget all about it, and get married. 254 00:13:05,742 --> 00:13:07,430 Come on! It's an adventure. 255 00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:10,195 No, it's not an adventure. It's a mistake. 256 00:13:10,203 --> 00:13:13,706 Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. 257 00:13:13,712 --> 00:13:16,893 But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake 258 00:13:16,893 --> 00:13:18,400 but you don't really know it's a mistake 259 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,400 because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, 260 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,905 and look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake." 261 00:13:23,911 --> 00:13:27,323 So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, 262 00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:31,042 because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. 263 00:13:31,042 --> 00:13:33,285 And, damn it, I've made no mistakes! 264 00:13:33,293 --> 00:13:39,458 I've done all of this-- my life, my relationship, my career-- mistake-free. 265 00:13:39,750 --> 00:13:42,223 Does any of this make sense to you? 266 00:13:42,223 --> 00:13:44,766 I don't know. You said "mistake" a lot. 267 00:13:45,162 --> 00:13:46,881 Lily, don't do this. 268 00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:50,270 Ted, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out, 269 00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:53,508 and you're my best friend, and you just have to forgive me for this. 270 00:13:53,512 --> 00:13:55,665 Forgive you for what? Lily. 271 00:13:56,081 --> 00:13:57,528 Lily! 272 00:14:01,703 --> 00:14:06,581 Hey, Lily, this is Ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road. 273 00:14:06,581 --> 00:14:10,150 I just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk... 274 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:14,307 Oh, and, when I get home, I'm going to kill you. 275 00:14:14,752 --> 00:14:17,257 And, also, I texted you the same thing. 276 00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:27,580 - Hey, I need a big favor. - Anything, bro. 277 00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:29,773 I need you to come up to Duchess County and pick me up. 278 00:14:29,773 --> 00:14:30,888 No. 279 00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:33,521 It's kind of an emergency. 280 00:14:33,521 --> 00:14:35,468 What are you doing in Duchess County? 281 00:14:35,510 --> 00:14:38,272 Apple picking. Can you just get up here? 282 00:14:38,272 --> 00:14:40,653 I wish I could help, buddy, but I'm stuck here at work. 283 00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:42,168 We're kind of swamped. 284 00:14:42,212 --> 00:14:43,321 Is that Ted? 285 00:14:43,321 --> 00:14:45,241 Yeah. He's stuck in Duchess County. 286 00:14:45,241 --> 00:14:46,810 Don't you have a big date tonight? 287 00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:49,723 Uh... Marshall. Hi. Yes. Yes, I do. 288 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:52,165 So what are you doing in Duchess County? 289 00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:56,227 Can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? Damn! 290 00:14:56,582 --> 00:14:58,660 Okay, well, hang on. I'm coming to get you. 291 00:14:58,660 --> 00:14:59,655 No! 292 00:14:59,660 --> 00:15:01,163 Relax, man. I'll take the Fiero. 293 00:15:01,163 --> 00:15:05,160 No, no, no. Just... forget it. Ha, ha! A little prank. 294 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,175 I'm not in Duchess County. 295 00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:10,285 So that's the prank? That you're not in Duchess County? 296 00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:13,958 Yep. Gotcha! Classic! 297 00:15:13,962 --> 00:15:15,197 Gotta go. 298 00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:20,875 Hey, check out this one. It actually looks like Butterfield. 299 00:15:23,171 --> 00:15:25,883 You know, over at the NRDC, it's a bunch of really committed people 300 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:29,991 who take their job of saving the earth very, very seriously. 301 00:15:29,991 --> 00:15:32,245 Which is great, and everything, but 302 00:15:32,251 --> 00:15:34,825 I can't imagine having this much fun over there. 303 00:15:35,473 --> 00:15:38,105 You thinking about coming to work here full-time? 304 00:15:38,181 --> 00:15:39,417 Maybe. 305 00:15:39,893 --> 00:15:41,646 Don't tell Lily, okay? 306 00:15:41,702 --> 00:15:43,262 Taking off for the night. 307 00:15:43,262 --> 00:15:44,841 Thanks, Tracy. 308 00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:49,255 Are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box? 309 00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,885 Of course we are. 310 00:15:52,983 --> 00:15:54,216 - Were you going to think of that? - No. 311 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,947 - That would have been bad. - Horrible. 312 00:15:57,311 --> 00:16:01,162 Luckily, there was still one person I could call to get a ride home. 313 00:16:01,162 --> 00:16:02,800 Need a ride, cowboy? 314 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,852 Sorry. I don't get in vans with strangers. 315 00:16:04,852 --> 00:16:07,316 Hmm, too bad. I got candy. 316 00:16:07,321 --> 00:16:09,045 Candy?! 317 00:16:11,152 --> 00:16:12,890 So you're not going to tell me what you were doing 318 00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:15,023 by the side of a highway in Duchess County? 319 00:16:15,023 --> 00:16:16,620 Nope. Sworn to secrecy. 320 00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:18,183 Oh, come on. 321 00:16:18,183 --> 00:16:20,747 - I like your hat. - Right. 322 00:16:21,123 --> 00:16:23,742 This is embarrassing. I got highlights. 323 00:16:23,742 --> 00:16:26,445 Oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice? 324 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,837 - Highlights is a children's magazine. - Yeah, I got it. 325 00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:35,641 I thought it might look cool. Of course my colorist took "highlights" to mean, 326 00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:38,812 "I want to look like a tiger," hence the hat. 327 00:16:38,812 --> 00:16:41,493 - Oh. I gotta see this. - No way. 328 00:16:41,493 --> 00:16:43,763 Please. I bet it doesn't look that bad. 329 00:16:43,763 --> 00:16:46,108 I bet it looks grr-eat! 330 00:16:47,463 --> 00:16:50,966 So, she says, changing the subject. 331 00:16:51,063 --> 00:16:52,446 Big date tonight. 332 00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:55,106 How does she rate on the Mosby checklist? 333 00:16:55,110 --> 00:16:58,293 Kind of amazingly. Uh, she's 28, like me. 334 00:16:58,293 --> 00:17:00,933 Wow, I'm 28. Hmm. 335 00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:04,332 Uh, college educated-- check. Plays tennis-- check. 336 00:17:04,332 --> 00:17:06,930 Uh, favorite book is Love in the Time of Cholera-- check. 337 00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:08,485 I read that. 338 00:17:08,533 --> 00:17:11,548 More like "Love in the Time of Don't Bothera." 339 00:17:12,951 --> 00:17:15,653 You know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. I'm just saying. 340 00:17:15,653 --> 00:17:17,423 We're not indoors. We're in a van. 341 00:17:17,423 --> 00:17:19,172 Vans have doors-- let me see your hair. 342 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,233 Never. What else? 343 00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,283 - She loves lasagna. - Barf. 344 00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:26,005 You know, I am sensing a pattern here. 345 00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:27,678 What else? 346 00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:31,886 Let's see what else... Oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check. 347 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,520 And she's looking to get married and have kids? 348 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,261 Check and check. She wants two kids-- a boy and a girl. 349 00:17:38,261 --> 00:17:39,666 Wow. 350 00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:42,381 You know, I've been thinking about this. 351 00:17:42,381 --> 00:17:44,630 I think I want to have zero kids. 352 00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,388 Really? You don't want kids? 353 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,745 You know, Ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you. 354 00:17:51,861 --> 00:17:53,667 Hey. I'm driving. 355 00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:01,111 Look at that. 8:56. You're early. 356 00:18:01,111 --> 00:18:03,210 Hey, thanks for picking me up. 357 00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,753 Good luck on your date. 358 00:18:04,753 --> 00:18:07,308 I hope she's everything you're looking for. 359 00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:09,686 Thanks. 360 00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:16,337 All right, you've clearly had a rough night. 361 00:18:16,391 --> 00:18:19,661 I want you to go in there with a smile on your face, so, uh, 362 00:18:19,661 --> 00:18:20,990 here's what I'm going to do. 363 00:18:20,990 --> 00:18:22,480 You're going to show me your hair? 364 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,565 Actually, I was going to show you my breasts, but... sure, we can do hair. 365 00:18:36,113 --> 00:18:38,238 You just made my night. 366 00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:41,177 Go. 367 00:19:41,212 --> 00:19:44,281 Tomorrow morning, Barney's going to send out the package, 368 00:19:44,281 --> 00:19:47,925 and Butterfield's going to be knee-deep in angry white mice. 369 00:19:48,572 --> 00:19:50,796 - Oh, hey, dude. - Hey, guys. 370 00:19:51,401 --> 00:19:52,427 Hi. 371 00:19:52,612 --> 00:19:53,827 Hey. 372 00:19:53,902 --> 00:19:58,285 So, Lil, did you, uh, get the milk? 373 00:19:59,441 --> 00:20:02,926 Yeah. Yeah, I-I got it. 374 00:20:03,013 --> 00:20:06,795 You think you might want to... drink the milk? 375 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,605 No. 376 00:20:09,081 --> 00:20:11,045 Nope, I'm good. 377 00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:13,365 I don't need any milk. 378 00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:19,160 Look, guys, I know milk is important-- 379 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,940 it's got vitamin A, vitamin D, 380 00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:24,851 it's a great way to start the morning-- but Ted just had a huge date. 381 00:20:24,851 --> 00:20:26,497 How'd it go, dude? 382 00:20:27,082 --> 00:20:28,366 I didn't go. 383 00:20:28,370 --> 00:20:29,863 What? Why? 384 00:20:29,863 --> 00:20:32,455 I changed my mind. I don't want to meet her. 385 00:20:32,611 --> 00:20:34,865 Why? She sounds perfect. 386 00:20:34,882 --> 00:20:36,685 I don't want perfect. 387 00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:38,877 I want Robin. 388 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:43,423 Oh, God, not this again. Ted, it's a mistake. 389 00:20:43,423 --> 00:20:44,688 Maybe. 390 00:20:44,983 --> 00:20:47,743 But it's a mistake I have to make. 391 00:20:47,743 --> 00:20:51,463 Wrong. It's a mistake you don't have to make. Look at the evidence. 392 00:20:51,463 --> 00:20:54,001 You and Robin have tried this again and again... 393 00:20:54,001 --> 00:20:55,711 Here's the thing about mistakes. 394 00:20:55,711 --> 00:20:58,620 Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, 395 00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:00,456 you gotta make it anyway. 396 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,280 Ah, sweet damn, that's a hot plate. 397 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,935 Hey, is this milk any good? 398 00:21:10,832 --> 00:21:14,217 Even really really dumb mistakes.